Adults - 20's & 30's  

 

“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown 

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Adults often start their lives with a fear of what others think in the midst of trying to figure out careers, relationships, boundaries, and identity. Many people learn to become complacent with silencing themselves, rather than respecting their own internal voice. I have worked with many young adults who saw the value in working on their identity, gave themselves space to figure out what their process was, and who started adulthood already working on good self-care patterns. It changes our interactions to relate from an internal belief system based on resilience and self-worth vs. relating out of feelings that one is "not enough" or "too much." These are both extremes that miss the target of being authentic in how we relate to others.

 

There needs to be a class in middle-school or high-school that teaches mental health: learning how to respect themselves for who they are, what they bring to others, working with internal negative messages, and searching for direction and purpose in life. Instead, many teens grow up with internalized message that one's inherent value is dependent on output or production. A more hopeful approach would be that a person could accomplish great things, but with one's value in-place from the beginning and coming from within. Being dependent on the outcome to feel ok about ourselves leaves us depending on things to go our way to feel like we are in a good spot. Life often doesn't go that way.​ Why not help encourage healthy patterns early-on instead of waiting until unhealthy patterns take control and dominate a person's life?  

 

I often hear that feelings are inconvenient and something to "get over," when they are signs that something deeper is happening. A lot of us grow up not having healthy role-models when it comes to showing feelings. We need more voices advocating that feelings are valid, and they can increase intimacy instead of leading to suffering in silence. I am passionate about helping others discover more of who their authentic- selves are in a culture that is minimizing of real harm that occurs. Sometimes additional support is needed especially if the norm is to remain quiet or unresponsive in the face of adversity. It is inspiring to see clients step into their resilience and grow in an ability to grieve their losses. Identity also faces a maturation process when we look at what needs to be grieved, and we stop running from what is plaguing us. 

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Introverts

Introverts make up between a third to a half of the population, yet there is significant stigma out there that being introverted is a negative thing. The truth is, introverts contribute a ton of unique ideas, deep ways of thinking, and invaluable contributions when they use their voice with others. Sometimes not all the voices in a room of people are being utilized or given space to. 

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I have a heart for introverts (being one myself). I grew up with a general sense that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, even though I knew I had valuable things to offer and ideas that nobody else was vocalizing. Introverts can struggle with so many things in life: maintaining small talk, feeling drained around others/groups, needing time alone to recharge, struggling to vocalize feelings or negative impact of others, feeling overwhelmed in many situations, group-work, and feeling misunderstood. It's important to find new ways to navigate these challenges when it feels impossible at times. I remember an old boss telling me that he found workarounds for large groups, approaching people one-on-one after meetings, emailing to follow-up on issues, and in general finding other ways of engaging the issues that are different from the norm. 

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Our environments clearly impact how we feel about ourselves, how we interact with others, and what the outcomes are at times. It's easy to find ourselves disconnected from ourselves when the outside voices are loud and demanding of how everyone should act. I like the idea of working on differentiating ourselves and contributing in ways that honor that part of us that struggles to get out there. Sidenote: I also work with (and enjoy!) extroverts too and value talking about the varieties of the human struggle. 

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Dating & Relationships 

I think of dating and relationships as an "arena" where it is an ultimate test of showing vulnerability, engaging risk, and being able to navigate the rollercoaster aspect of unknowns and fears. Many people experience a feeling of losing themselves in a quest for having the other person "like" them, or to put on a mask to give a representation of what they think that person wants to see, etc.

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Esther Perel talks about how relationship is a dance between intimacy (needing time together to feel closer) and autonomy (time apart to be more connected to our sense of self). Finding a balance is often a difficult task, and it is informed by how parents modelled these two categories in our younger years. In previous generations, there was more of a sense of a communal tribe and others would step in when needed. In the modern/individualistic world, oftentimes there aren't others who step into the gaps and provide what is missing. This puts pressure on couples to be everything to the other person. She states, "We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability, and dependability—all the anchoring experiences. And we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure, and risk."

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There are some invaluable tools when it comes to dating in a healthy way, where boundaries are respected, both people get to be exactly who they are, and there is kindness/respect for the other in a reciprocated way. The struggle to find a good partner nowadays is challenging. Dating apps can often leave people in an isolating experience where they think that their struggle is unique to them when it is not. It is valuable to have support during the ups and downs of dating, and to help individuals with what comes up in trying to find a compatible partner in life. 

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Attachment & Growing Up Years

Patterns from our past often are ignored in the fast pace of daily life. Every human needs to be given space to process not only pain and hurt from growing up, but also talking about what parents/caregivers did well. Our stories can have power over us in the form of anxious, avoidant, and ambivalent ways of relating with others. These stories oftentimes haven't been processed, examined, and given the emotional weight they deserve.

 

Some of the hardest internal work on ourselves is in processing significant stories from our formative years. We need to come to new realizations of the impact on how we currently relate with others. It takes courage to face the things that have power over us, and to allow painful feelings to run their course through us. I'm a big believer in the idea of earned-secure attachment and in helping others find peace in themselves when it hasn't been present in the past. 

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Children grow up thinking that their environment was the norm. In later years, they wonder about the impact on them in the present. Repetitive patterns keep happening in the present, and what "worked" in younger years often does not work in the present and in different environments. The goal in our work together is to examine what happened, feel it deeply in an environment of trust, and have a companion with us in places that have been previously experienced alone. Restorative work can come when we show ourselves kindness in new places, compared to old ways of being that were harsh and full of feelings of being unworthy or not enough.

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